I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize