"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Randomize