I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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