Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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