Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Randomize