I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
