I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
A+ Viking dick
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
