I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Randomize
