Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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