you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
