Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Randomize
