really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
