I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
