I love black thongs
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
