A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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