Im at strip club and am horny
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
