OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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