omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
