We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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