This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
