I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
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