and she was petting her beer can
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize