96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
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