i just google imaged poop.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
