I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
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