I'm gonna have a badass scar
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
We had to coat check the pizza.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Randomize
