apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
