every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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