u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
