i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
