4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
