Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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