matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
