God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
