Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
