Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
last night I used snow as a chaser
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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