I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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