What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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