I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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