The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
the raccoons are back...
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