There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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