just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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