She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
