There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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