wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
