dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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