Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
