too bad you live with your parents still
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
what is it with giant penises always finding me
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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