forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
