:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
