I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
