Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I just gargled with NyQuil
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I'm having to shit out rocks
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
