I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Randomize
