I showed him my bush... on skype.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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