shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Randomize
