I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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