You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
