she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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