My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
