Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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