I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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