Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize