Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
