he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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