Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
