dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Randomize
