Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
