his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
he fucked my hip out of place.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Randomize
