and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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