i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize