Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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